SAHM Kiwi Stigma

Raising a child is an all-encompassing, challenging, and often underappreciated journey. In the early '80s, my grandmother proudly carried the title of "homemaker," a term that has evolved into today's "stay-at-home mom." While the daily responsibilities haven't changed much, societal perceptions of stay-at-home moms (SAHMs) in New Zealand have undergone a significant transformation.

In the 1970s, nearly half of households were run by SAHMs. Fast forward to today, and the landscape has shifted, with societal expectations placing additional pressures on women to balance career and family. It's time to reevaluate how we view and support SAHMs in New Zealand.

The Stigma Against Stay-at-Home Moms

Despite the misconceptions, being a SAHM is far from an easy gig. Caila Drabenstot, a 35-year-old SAHM of five in Taupo*, challenges the stereotypes. Having transitioned from a waitress to a full-time mom, she emphasizes the constant demands and mental toll of motherhood.

In the United States, over 18 percent of parents were stay-at-home parents in 2016, with 83 percent being women. The pandemic has further increased these numbers, with almost 1.8 million women leaving the labor force due to various reasons, including job loss and lack of childcare.

Challenging the Stigma

Lauren Jacobs, a licensed clinical social worker in Troy, New York, sheds light on the stigma against SAHMs, attributing it to a societal undervaluing of "executive functioning" skills. These skills, essential for organizing and executing tasks, are integral to a SAHM's daily routine but often go unnoticed and unappreciated.

To destigmatize SAHMs, Jacobs suggests acknowledging the project management skills involved in running a household and incorporating their value into broader discussions about labor and essential roles.

Leslie M. Lind-Hernaiz, a Bronx-based clinical social worker and single mom, encourages moms to stay true to their values amidst societal expectations. She emphasizes the importance of prioritizing personal and family needs over societal norms.

Why Do Moms Choose to Stay Home?

The reasons mothers choose to stay at home are diverse. Sarah King from Stamford, Connecticut, decided to stay home to build strong relationships with her children in a single-income family. Kailee Gaul from DeBary, Florida, valued being present for her family, even though it meant challenging societal expectations.

Phoebe McDowell from Portland, Oregon, became a SAHM out of necessity due to the high cost of childcare. While the decision to stay home can have positive effects on children, it comes with its challenges, including isolation and a higher rate of depression.

Who Gets to Stay Home?

The standards for stay-at-home moms can differ based on race. Marie Martin from New York City notes that, as a Black woman, the stigma is intensified, with assumptions about education and economic status. Lind-Hernaiz adds that financial constraints make it harder for Women of Color, especially Black women, to be SAHMs.

Supporting Stay-at-Home Moms in New Zealand

1. Recognize the Multifaceted Identity of SAHMs: Understand that SAHMs have dreams, aspirations, and identities beyond motherhood. Acknowledge the diversity of their skills and experiences.

2. Fair Compensation for the Hardest Job: Recognize the economic value of a SAHM's work. While some countries provide financial support for parents staying home, advocating for fair compensation is crucial.

3. Advocate for Paid Family and Medical Leave: Push for policies that provide adequate family and medical leave. This ensures that parents, whether working or staying home, have the support they need during critical life events.

4. Encourage Introspection: Support SAHMs in exploring their passions and talents. Encourage introspection, even in moments of exhaustion, to help them stay connected to their goals beyond the current role.

5. Build a Supportive Community: Emphasize the importance of building a supportive community. Friendships, family, and neighbors can provide invaluable assistance in navigating the day-to-day challenges of being a SAHM.

Embracing Diverse Choices

As mothers, we navigate uncharted territories without a roadmap. Whether choosing to stay at home or pursue a career, our decisions are personal and valid. Kellie Wicklund, a psychotherapist, urges us to reject judgment and misogyny, recognizing that women are judged regardless of the choices they make.

In the end, being a stay-at-home or working mom is about embracing the choices that align with our values and priorities. As we continue to reshape societal perceptions, let's champion the diverse paths mothers take and support each other in the journey of motherhood.

10 ways to embrace being a stay-at-home mum in New Zealand:

1. Create a Supportive Routine: Establish a daily routine that works for both you and your children. Having a consistent schedule can provide structure and make it easier to manage household tasks while enjoying quality time with your little ones.

2. Connect with Local Mom Groups: Join local mom groups or playdate communities. Connecting with other stay-at-home moms in your area can offer a support system, share experiences, and provide opportunities for your children to socialize.

3. Explore Work-from-Home Opportunities: If you're interested in contributing financially while staying at home, explore work-from-home opportunities. Online freelancing, remote consulting, or starting a small online business are potential avenues to consider.

4. Engage in Skill Development: Use this time to develop or enhance your skills. Online courses, workshops, or pursuing a hobby can not only keep you mentally stimulated but also open up potential avenues for future endeavors.

5. Prioritize Self-Care: Make self-care a priority. Allocate time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it's reading, exercising, or practicing mindfulness. A happy and fulfilled mom contributes positively to the family environment.

6. Celebrate Achievements, Big and Small: Acknowledge and celebrate both your personal and parenting achievements. Completing household tasks, achieving personal goals, or simply having a positive day with your children are all reasons to celebrate.

7. Stay Informed and Engaged: Stay informed about local events, parenting resources, and community activities. Engaging in local happenings can broaden your social circle and provide diverse experiences for you and your children.

8. Foster Educational Activities: Integrate educational activities into your daily routine. Engage in age-appropriate educational play, reading sessions, or creative projects that stimulate your child's development while making learning enjoyable.

9. Establish Financial Goals: If financial independence is a goal, set realistic financial objectives. Create a budget, explore ways to save money, and consider avenues for generating passive income to contribute to your family's financial well-being.

10. Cultivate a Positive Mindset: Embrace the value of your role as a stay-at-home mom. Recognize that the love, care, and guidance you provide are invaluable. Cultivate a positive mindset, knowing that you are making a meaningful impact on your children's lives.

Being a stay-at-home mom in New Zealand comes with its unique set of joys and challenges. Embracing this role involves finding a balance that suits your lifestyle, nurturing your personal growth, and creating a positive and enriching environment for both you and your family.